Birthday’s Resolution

I never cared much for New Year’s resolutions. Yet I am obsessed with change. My logic goes like this: we should be constantly evolving for the better, if you are waiting for a single day to execute said “change” you might be less successful. If I feel I need to work harder, be healthier; learn more…I simply do it. Well I attempt to…I fail a lot. Periodically I like to check in on myself and take stock of things to measure where I am.

Exactly six months after Christmas is my birthday. For reference sake, it’s my halfway through the year. For conversation’s sake, that day is today. As long as I can remember, I never cared for my birthday, which is ironic. On your birthday it is all eyes on you and I am overflowing with ego. Because of this “spotlight”, my insecurities are brought front and center in my mind. I am insecure that people don’t like me, I’m not successful, I should be doing more with my life, and many more. The biggest irony is that the love I am given on my birthday proves these insecurities wrong. Nevertheless, it’s my irrational demon to wrestle and that’s ok.

Every year I feel the b-day blues bubble up so I opt for the shadows. Some people turn their day into a spectacle and I silently judge, probably out of jealousy. What I am most ashamed of is how I treat others who are trying to do right by me. They pour love onto me and in return, I project my insecurities through sarcasm and disrespect. If I took a minute to place my ego on a shelf I could accept this love at face value, but I am flawed. IMG_20190102_191516

If I took my halfway year (birthday) as a chance to self-reflect, instead of an opportunity to wallow in self-loathing, I might actually have a good time. I have my health, my family, and my adventures. For me, it does not get better than that. In the name of logic: if I am living life how I want than I am a success. So why do I get so down on myself?

Balance is the key to a happy life. You need the lows to balance out the highs. Therefore, I think it’s ok that I hold my insecurities close and use them to focus on the future. What’s wrong, and unhealthy, is when I judge others and push those who love me away. Those actions make me weak…for I am flawed. Above it all though I appreciate weakness, it can be a roadmap for the future. Ok, next January I resolve to be better.

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